Sometimes I just have days where my emotions start stirring up and I can’t stop thinking.
Thinking about the day we were licensed as foster parents.
Thinking about the day I got the call about a baby boy in the hospital.
Thinking about the first time I saw his tiny face.
Thinking about the first time I had to take him to visitation to see his birth parents, and how I cried into my mom’s shoulder in the hallway of my house because I realized I was going to have to share him.
Thinking about the anger I had that any person could be so selfish to put anything above such a beautiful baby, or any child at that.
Thinking about the forgiveness & hurt I had the first time I saw his birth mom’s face, and saw the pain written all over it.
Thinking about the time that Jedi’s paternal grandmother was in town and many of us were concerned it was because she was going to try to get him and take him to California with her.
Thinking about the moment I found out that was not the case and I was so ecstatic that he was still going to be with us.
Thinking about that SAME moment when I found Jedi would be staying with us, was the SAME moment I found out that Han Solo had been removed from his grandparents house because they couldn’t handle his behaviors. And CPS wanted to place him with us.
Thinking about how we prayed overnight about whether we were supposed to take Han Solo (A NINE YEAR OLD BOY!) into our home.
Thinking about the conversation Ryan and I had about how we knew God was calling us to take him in and even though we were completely out of our comfort zone, we knew saying no wasn’t an option.
Thinking about the case worker stepping in our door with a very scared little boy a few hours after we said yes.
Thinking about every. single. thing. that was supposed to be wrong with him.
Thinking about every. single. thing. that is NOT wrong with him.
Thinking about that first 30 days and how I was constantly going from one extreme to another.
Thinking about my fear of failing this kid and the letter that I wrote to CPS about his removal.
Thinking about how I shredded that letter and never looked back.
Thinking about the night he asked us if we were his mom and dad.
Thinking about the night he told us he loved us.
Thinking about the bond I have watched these two brothers form, even though they are 9 years apart.
Thinking about how I would watch Han Solo be so brave every time he went to visitation, and how he handled it so well when his birth mom would never show up.
Thinking about the conversations we have had with him about adoption, and family, and life, and how parents & adults are supposed to act.
Thinking about the many times he has already been able to witness the miracles of God.
Thinking about the first birthday party we gave him, the first time he jumped off a diving board, the first time he went on a family vacation, the first time he went to the fair, the first time he rode a four wheeler, jumped on a trampoline, rode a rollercoaster…
Thinking about all of the firsts that I didn’t get to experience with him.
Thinking about the final visit with his birth mom and how he asked her why she did this to him and all of his siblings.
Thinking about how I cried the whole way home from that visit and looked up to him for how incredibly brave he was.
Thinking about the termination court date and how our joy was someone else’s sorrow.
Thinking about the gain and the loss.
Thinking about the move to the adoptions unit and the thrill of knowing it will soon be over.
Thinking about how even though it will be over for these two, it is not over for so many more, including the future ones who will be in our house.
Thinking about the future ones.
Thinking, “Will they really ever understand all of this?” I could’ve easily avoided the heartache, the stress, the crazy. But my love for these boys is too immense and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Will they ever understand how much love I have for them? Will they ever be able to look at their children the same way?
I hope so.
And now I’m thinking about love. And how magnificent it is that a God could send his son for us. Will I ever be able to fully understand that kind of love? At least now, I feel like I have more of a glimpse of what that is like.